A Successful Date May Look Different to Your Loved One

It is natural to think about your own dating experiences as you advise your loved one with intellectual disabilities about dating. But you are likely different people with different expectations.

I remind myself of this when I observe my son. He can be content just sitting quietly with someone. But I’m more accustomed to lively interactions with conversation and laughing. I might think it’s not going well if there are periods of silence, but my son finds this perfectly acceptable.

What does a successful date look like to your loved one?

With your different preferences in mind, talk with your loved one about what a successful date looks like. Are they looking to have fun and make a new friend? Or, do they desire deeper conversation and chemistry?

Remind them it is important to treat their date with kindness and respect, and to receive the same in return. Depending how talkative their date is, a reasonable goal is to learn at least three new things about the person. If your loved one goes into the date with this goal in mind, it will help them remember to ask questions to learn at least three new things.

When your loved one listens and shows interest, it typically gets the ball rolling and their date will ask questions, too.

Are they looking for a stronger connection?

If your loved one gauges success by connection and chemistry, they will need to listen actively and show empathy and caring. It is important they make their date feel comfortable but not overwhelmed. They want to learn if their date shares the same values and get a sense of an emotional connection. 

Before the date, remind your loved one to be kind, respectful, and ask questions to learn three new things.

After the date, help them evaluate the experience by asking:

• Did you feel happy?
• Did you get to talk about things you like?
• Did the other person listen to you?
• Would you like to spend time with them again?

Overall impressions are more important than whether there was constant conversation or periods of quiet. By helping your loved one prepare for a positive dating experience, chances are good their date will feel the same.

You got this—and so do they!